


Should Have Known You'd Bring Me Heartache (Almost Lovers Always Do)

by orphan_account



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, mostly angst, seriously this will make you sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-23 21:47:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16627022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: That LONG AWAITED TALK between Bellamy and Clarke re: radio calls and sacrificing themselves.





	1. Chapter 1

“ _You’re not mad at me?”  
__“The commander ordered me not to be._ ”

Those words had been exchanged over five hundred years ago. At the time, they’d given Clarke heart. They felt fresh, like a balm applied to a gaping wound she hadn’t realized was there, like the start of something new.

But then…nothing. They’d been down on Oasis for what would have been a few weeks now according to the instruments aboard the Eligius ship. At first she’d let herself be distracted, focusing on building a new life for her and Madi that didn’t involve violence and the struggle to survive, both things that had become so ingrained they were who she was now, made all the more difficult by the chip.

But now she had a routine down, and time to wonder. Bellamy had said he wasn’t mad, but the words had a hollow feeling to them. They weren’t actually forgiveness, and as much as she knew she didn’t deserve it, she wanted things to feel right again.

Which was how, one day before a shift at the hospital and after taking Madi to school, she found herself walking to the part of town where Bellamy and Echo had made their home. Unease twisted in her stomach as she walked down the shaded avenue, a nameless feeling she couldn’t quite place.

He looked the same. That was the first thing she thought when he opened the door, his dark hair curling at the back of his neck, still damp from the shower. It felt strange, to be knocking at his door, with nothing between them. No battle plans, no new enemy, no blood and violence and death. Just the shredded remnants of their relationship. They’d only ever known each other on the ground. Who were they to each other without that between them?

“Clarke.” She saw him looking past her, wondering if anyone else had come.

“It’s just me.” She took a deep breath before she could change her mind. “Can I come in?”

The hesitation was brief, but Clarke still clocked it. “Sure. I just made coffee. I can’t believe how good this stuff is compared to the sludge we used to have on the ark.”

“Two hundred years of recycled water was bound to take its’ toll,” Clarke joked as she followed him inside. The home was nice, if sparsely furnished. It was nicer than anything either of them could have hoped for on the ark. There was so much space. Room to grow, to live.

“What brings you over?” Bellamy asked as he poured her a cup. “Is everything ok? Did Kane - ”

“Everything’s fine,” Clarke said, but she felt the falseness of the statement on her own tongue. “Marcus is ok. Or he will be, if he ever wakes up. His wounds were pretty serious. My mom’s barely left his side since he came out of surgery.”

“That must be exhausting,” Bellamy said, sliding Clarke the mug.

“It is,” Clarke agreed as she wrapped her hands around the warm porcelain. “But I don’t think there’s anywhere else she’d rather be.”

Bellamy nodded, sipping at his coffee. They lapsed into silence, and in it, Clarke heard the echo of a dozen memories. Pulling the lever. Rescuing her from Diyoza. Helping her make the list. He’d said he wasn’t mad. Was there anything more to say? Or had that been the best way to end things? With the reassurance that he wasn’t mad at her that they were ok? Was that truly the best she could hope for?

“Madi told me,” Bellamy said abruptly, interrupting Clarke’s train of thought. She blinked, realizing she’d been staring at his face, trying to memorize it, as though her subconscious had already realized this was the end.

“Told you what?” Clarke asked, refocusing on her mug. It was easier to look at than the finality in his eyes she was afraid she’d see there.

“About the radio calls.”

Time seemed to freeze. _Madi told me…about the radio calls_. She’d wondered if he’d ever heard her. She hadn’t thought he would, but then, for a moment, when he’d showed up exactly when she’d needed him most, she thought maybe, just maybe he had… But then he’d never brought them up.

“ _Raven, Murphy, Monty, Harper…Bellamy. If you can hear me, it’s me, Clarke. The night blood worked. I’m alive. I’m alive… Hey guys…if I’m counting right, it’s been one year since we came to the ground. I…I miss you guys… Bellamy, I never said it while you were here, but thanks for…everything… Happy Birthday, Bellamy! I hope that’s not supposed to be a secret. Octavia mentioned it once before…well, everything. Wish I could be up there celebrating with you guys… Don’t worry about leaving me behind, Bellamy. I’m proud of you… Tomorrow’s the five year anniversary of Primfiya. I can’t wait to see you… I missed you so much…"_

The words crashed through Clarke’s mind unbidden, snapshots of her calls. Thank god he hadn’t heard them.

“They…helped.” Clarke’s voice sounded strangled to her own ears.

“I asked you before,” Bellamy said, crossing his arms as he leaned against the counter. She could feel him scrutinizing her face. “About how you stayed sane for five years on your own. You said Madi - ”

“She did,” Clarke interrupted. She forced herself to meet his eyes and flash a smile she didn’t mean, one she knew he saw right through. Damn. “She did. So did the radio calls. I couldn’t bear it, to think you guys hadn’t made it onto the ark.” She paused. “That’s why you forgave me so easily?”

Now Bellamy looked away. “Madi told me I had to. I…I wanted to. I want to. But the truth is I don’t see how the girl who made those radio calls can be the same girl who left me to die in Octavia’s fighting pit.”

The words were like a direct blow to Clarke’s heart. “You left me to die on earth!”

Agony flashed across Bellamy’s features. Clarke instantly wished she could take the words back.

“You told me me to,” he snarled, straightening. “I waited as long as I could, Clarke. I put everyone else in jeopardy for you, and that decision haunts me every day! But the truth is, Clarke, you’re the one who is always leaving me.”

“No.” Clarke shook her head, but the truth of his words rang in her ears. “No, that’s not true.”

“It is.” Bellamy wasn’t leaning on the counter anymore. He’d straightened and now he had braced himself on the other side of the island she was sitting at, telling her what she had come to hear. “You left me after Mount Weather, you left me after azgeda destroyed Mount Weather, you left me to die in the bunker. Ever since we met, you’ve been leaving me.”

Clarke opened her mouth, then shut it. She wanted to say no. She didn’t want it to be true. Every memory she looked back on was coloured by him. She had always felt she needed him. So how could he be right? When had Bellamy become an acceptable loss?

“You’re right.” Clarke ground the words out, hating herself for saying them, hating that they were true. “I have been. Because I knew you’d always let me come back.”

The admission seemed to take the fight out of him, as though it had been what he needed to hear. Maybe it had been what she needed to say.

“But not this time.” Clarke looked up into Bellamy’s face, waiting, hoping for the denial. But all he offered her was one sad smile.

“I put other people first my whole life,” he said. “First Octavia. Then you.” He paused. “I can’t keep prioritizing people that always put me second. Madi is the most important thing in your life. I get that, I do. I’m not asking you to choose, and there will always be a place for you in my life, Clarke. But…”

“It’s fine.” Clarke stood up, the sound of the chair legs scraping through the too quiet kitchen. “I get it. You’re right. You were always…” To her horror, Clarke felt her voice catch on a sob. She swallowed it, savouring the pain of it in her throat. She deserved it. “I’ve gotta get going to the hospital. Thanks for the coffee…”

Before he could stop her, Clarke swept past Bellamy into the hall, but when she paused to get the door, she realized he wasn’t even following her. That realization was more painful than anything he’d said to her in the past ten minutes. Bellamy wasn’t coming after her anymore.

Loneliness, more crushing than anything she’d felt in those six long years on earth, swept over Clarke, crushing her chest. She ran, pulling the door shut a little too hard behind her. Tears streamed down her face, unbidden and unending. Gone. The one person she’d always relied on. The one person she had always taken for granted. She’d never thought it would hurt this much to lose him.

And maybe that had been the problem all along.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked, I delivered. Hopefully you guys like this follow up. I /am/ planning on an eventual happy ending. I just, personally, need these two to clarify some things to themselves and others before we get there.

Clarke plastered a fake smile on her face, waited a few moments to make sure it held, then pushed open her front door.

“I’m home!” Home. Clarke almost laughed at the words. She hadn’t been home in a long, long time.

“Clarke!”

Clarke heard a thump, followed by running as Madi appeared in the kitchen and careened towards her. The grounder girl still wore her hair up in a braided pony tail as though she could step out of this house and into battle at any moment, but there was a carefree lightness about her Clarke had seldom seen among the grounders, often by her own hand. Down here, Madi didn’t have to be ‘Heda’; she could be the kid her parents had so obviously wanted her to be, a wish Clarke had wanted so badly to honour. Now she finally could. 

“Madi.” Clarke opened her arms, swinging Madi up into a hug. That at least finally made her feel a little better.

“I missed you today,” Madi said as Clarke finally set her back on her feet. “Raven’s been helping me with science homework.”

“‘Helping’ is being generous,” Raven said, appearing in the kitchen doorway. “Kid’s a natural. She’s got a head for it.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Clarke said. “Thank you for picking her up and watching her for me.”

“I told you, I don’t need watching,” Madi groused.

“It’s not you I’m worried about,” Clarke said. The words came out sharper than she intended, and she saw both made and Raven blink. “Why don’t you go get ready for bed and you can tell me about your day. If you’re quick we might even get a chance to read for a bit.”

Madi scrutinized Clarke’s face, but she made sure to maintain her mask of patience. “Ok…”

“Thanks again, Raven,” Clarke said once Madi was safely upstairs. “I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, Clarke.” Raven’s smile was easy, bright. When was the last time she’d felt that light? “She’s a good kid. Worth pointing a gun at me over.”

Clarke couldn’t help it; she winced. The words were basically a harsh summary of what Bellamy had said that morning. Now Raven’s eyes were narrowing, roving over her face, picking up hints that Madi had missed. 

“Everything ok?”

Automatically, Clarke nodded. “Oh yeah. Long day. I’m just…worried about Marcus.” It was true, but she still felt like crap using him as an excuse.

Raven raised a single brow. “Maybe next time Bellamy could - ”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Damn it, damn it, damn it. There was a reason Raven was the youngest zero G mechanic in fifty two years. She’d never been able to keep anything from her. “He’s done enough.”

“Clarke - ”

“No, Raven.” There was a finality in Clarke’s voice that painfully echoed the finality she’d seen in Bellamy’s face that morning. Even Raven picked up on it.

Raven nodded, understanding blooming in her eyes. Clarke hated it. Did they all feel the same way? And if so…did she have any right to be mad about it? What was it Echo had said? _“The great Wanheda, willing to do anything to protect her people - correction, person.”_ God, she hated that name. It had all made sense at the time. Didn’t they all have people they would do anything for? When had that stopped including her?

“I have the late shift the next couple of nights,” Raven said, tactfully changing the subject. “But I think Murphy and Emori are free.”

“Thanks, Raven.” Clarke flashed her the barest hint of a smile. “Have a good night.”

“Night.” Raven shrugged on her own jacket, but paused as she passed Clarke to lay a hand on her shoulder, giving her a squeeze as if to reassure her it would be ok. But Raven didn’t know what had transpired that morning, that Bellamy had washed his hands of her.

Clarke wasn’t sure how long she stood there, trying to shove the swirling maelstrom of misery down. At that moment, more than anything, she missed Wells. How had things ended up like this?

At last, Clarke made her way up the stairs.

“I thought things were ok between you and Bellamy?”

“Madi!” Clarke pressed a hand over her heart, willing it to slow down. Madi was standing in her door way, watching Clarke with eyes far older than her twelve years. Clarke was constantly under estimating her.

“Things are fine,” Clarke said as she climbed the rest of the stairs. “Now come on. I want to hear about your day.”

“He’s the most important person in your life,” Madi insisted, following Clarke into her room. “You can’t just let that go!”

“You’re the most important person in my life,” Clarke said fiercely as she snapped on the bedside lamp. 

“No,” Madi said softly. “I’m not.”

Clarke rounded on the girl but froze, the words dying on her tongue. That look. She knew that look. She knew who was looking out at her from Madi’s eyes. 

“Clarke.” Madi crossed the room and took Clarke’s hands in her own. “Bellamy loves you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Clarke snapped, pulling her hands back. “Bellamy is…he’s Bellamy. He doesn’t - ”

“He does,” Madi said firmly. Her gaze didn’t waver as she met Clarke’s eyes. “He’s loved you for… forever. That’s why I told him about the radio calls. He deserved to know you felt the same way.”

“I don’t…I don’t love - ”

Madi raised one brow, eerily similar to Raven’s knowing look downstairs. “Don’t you?”

Did she? No. No, she didn’t. He was…he was just Bellamy. How could she be in love with him?

But she was. It hit her like a slap in the face. She was, absolutely, completely in love with him. And she had never let herself know it, because Wells, and Finn, and Lexa, and… they called her the Commander of Death, but she felt more like the Angel of Death. Everyone she loved had died, and to acknowledge it would have been like putting the target on his back herself. She couldn’t bear to love him because she couldn’t bear to lose him. Those six years she’d let herself believe he was safe on the ark, safe from death and safe from her. 

And then, one word, like cold water to the face: Echo.

“It doesn’t matter if I do or I don’t,” Clarke heard herself say. “Maybe…one time, maybe he did… but Echo. They’re happy. I won’t stand in the way of that. He deserves it.”

“He’d be happy with you,” Madi whispered. “Clarke, if you just tried - ”

“I’m done discussing this, Madi.” Clarke heard the shards of ice in her voice, felt them in her heart. “And you’re done interfering. I know you’re trying to help, but we’ve all made our choices. Now we have to live with them.”

“You’re making a mistake,” Madi insisted.

“That’s not your decision to make.”

Without another word, Clarke stalked from the room, leaving Madi to put herself to bed.

Her words swirled around Clarke’s mind, colouring every memory she had in a different light. How long had she known? Since she’d escaped from Mount Weather. The moment came to her, so lightning swift she must have known it all along. When she’d closed the doors on him, knowing she was condemning him to death. How she felt after she’d discovered he was still alive. The relief. The joy. Like she could breathe again. The fear that came with it, first that it would be a mistake, then that if she had any happiness, the world would conspire to rip it away from her. 

So she’d walked away. Again and again, she’d walked away. To keep them both safe. She’d been so mad when he’d put the chip in Madi’s head, so violently angry she couldn’t see straight. She’d come to rely on him, so much so his betrayal had blind-sided her. She regretted her choice of leaving him to the fighting pits, but she’d made it. He was right to hold her to it. And if she was being honest, it wasn’t because she’d thought Octavia would spare him. She’d known she wouldn’t, the same way she knew she’d kill Madi if she became a threat. 

“I love him,” Clarke whispered to herself in the darkness of her own room. “I love him. I love him. I’ve lost him.” It was like opening a door she hadn’t realized she was trying to keep shut. The pain of it ravaged her skin, crushing her chest until she couldn’t breathe. It was like acid tripping down every nerve. It hurt more than anything she’d ever felt on the ground.

She sank to her knees in the quiet of her room. She could feel herself falling into that familiar pit of despair, the one that had swallowed her after Finn, and again after Lexa. This one was deeper, darker, bottomless, threatening to devour her whole.

Stupid, she’d been so, so stupid. Afraid of losing him. And now she had, at her own hand. The cruelest of ironies. Stupid, to think she could spare herself this pain. And this time she had no one to blame but herself. 

Tomorrow she would find herself again. Tonight, she let the bottomless dark take her as she mourned her losses, and the happiness she’d let slip right through her fingers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, guys! I was visiting my partner this weekend (it was their birthday and our anniversary) but I have an update for you! I hope you like it ok :)

“You look like shit.”

Clarke almost shut the door in Murphy’s face, but she stopped herself - barely. It wasn’t like she had many people left to push away. It’d be stupid to keep going.

“Birds’ of a feather,” Clarke sniped back. “Is that why you’re here?”

“No.” He gave a half shrug, like he was uncomfortable. “Look, it’s stupid. I thought I could cook for you and the kid. Madi.”

“You what?”

“Look, a little bird told me you might be having a bit of a rough time right now and I thought you might want some company.” He paused, but Clarke didn’t move. “But if I’m wrong, I could just go…”

“No,” Clarke said, a little too quickly. “Stay. Thank you. Madi’s out right now, but I’ll save some for her.”

She opened the door wider so he could step past her. She saw him glance around at the furnishings and waited for the snide remark. 

“Who’d’ve thought you and I would end up in the same place?” Murphy wondered as he hung his coat up in the hall. 

“I never could have imagined this world,” Clarke admitted. “That anything like it could exist, or if it did that we would do anything but try to survive. I never thought that we could just…”

“Live?” Murphy gave her a sardonic half smile. “It’s been a while. I almost forgot what it was like.”

“Aren’t you getting bored?” Clarke teased as they made their way to the kitchen.

“Aren’t you?” He shot her a look over his shoulder.

“A little.” The honesty felt raw, but then, honesty had always been easy with Murphy. There’d never been any point in lying to him, really. He’d always known the score. It was how he’d survived so long. “It feels…weird.”

“I think this may be the first time we’ve ever agreed on something,” Murphy said as he began rooting through her cupboards. “Damn, Clarke, don’t you ever go grocery shopping?”

“I’ve been busy,” Clarke snapped. “Surgeries don’t exactly happen on bankers hours. I think there’s some pasta in there.”

“Pasta’s a waste of my excellent skills,” she heard him mutter but she didn’t bother to call him on it. He was kind of right.

Instead she walked over to the fridge and pulled out two beers. She cracked them and passed one to Murphy, keeping one for herself. Of course, humans try to colonize a whole new planet and the first thing they try to do is recreate booze. A memory flitted through her mind, of their first Unity Day on earth, of Jasper’s moonshine and Monty pouring enough for everyone. They would have loved it here.

“So why did you come,” Clarke said as she settled down at the counter to let Murphy work. “And no crap about food and what Raven told you. Why are you really here?”

“Really?” Murphy threw a glance over his shoulder at Clarke as he filled a pot with water at the sink. “I thought you might need someone to talk to that wasn’t going to judge all the choices you’ve made.”

Clarke felt herself bristle, but that new voice she’d discovered, the one that pushed her to admit the hard truths, was pushing her again.

“And you thought that someone was you?”

Murphy shrugged. “You’ve never put me first, Clarke. I’m probably the only person you know that wasn’t surprised when you were suddenly ok with the rest of us becoming Eligius fodder.”

Now that stung. “I did what I had to to protect Madi.”

“Did you?” Murphy returned the pot to the stove.

“I thought you weren’t judging?”

“Not judging, just asking.” He poured the pasta into the pot and gave it a quick swirl with a wooden spoon. “I’m sure you were protecting the kid, but did you have to sacrifice the rest of us to do it?”

“You guys betrayed us,” Clarke insisted. “When Raven tried to take the chip out and Bellamy put it in in the first place. We didn’t want that. Her parents did everything they could to hide Madi from the flemkeepers and I wanted to honour that wish. He took that away from her.”

“Did you even ask Madi about that?” Murphy asked as he adjusted the temperature on the stove. “You know they gave her choice? They asked her if it was something she wanted to do. She did it to save you.”

“And Raven?” Clarke’s knuckles were white on her drink.

“Again, Madi’s choice.” Murphy rifled through Clarke’s cupboards and emerged with a saucepan. “Face it, Clarke. You decided we were acceptable losses a long time ago.”

They fell silent as Murphy stirred and Clarke wrestled with Murphy’s words. Wasn’t that what she’d thought herself after her conversation with Bellamy?

“Madi is my family,” Clarke finally said. “She kept me sane. We were alone for six years. We looked out for each other. We were all we had. I couldn’t let anything happen to her.”

“None of us are holding that against you,” Murphy said as he gave the pasta another spin in the pot. He set the spoon down and turned to face her, leaning against the counter. “When Bellamy left you to die, it ate away at him. He insisted your death wouldn’t be in vane. Every choice he made on the ring, he made with you in mind.”

“And I called him everyday!”

“And then you left him to die.”

Clarke took another swig of her drink. “He made his choice.”

“And you made yours.” Murphy shrugged. “So what’s the problem?”

They stared each other down. Finally, Clarke spoke.

“I can’t believe Emori puts up with your ass.”

But Murphy just grinned. “She knows she couldn’t live without my cooking. Much like you are about to rediscover.”

He turned back to the stove and added something to the sauce, checked on the noodles, gave it a quick mix.

“What do I do.” The question came out more pitiful than Clarke intended. She hated it. She especially hated that she was asking Murphy.

“You know what to do, Clarke. You always know what to do. Isn’t that like…you’re whole thing?”

Clarke almost threw her half-empty drink at the back of his head. “I don’t…I don’t know where to start.”

“You’re struggling now that there’s no impossible choices to make?”

Clarke shook her head. “I’m not sure how to do this anymore. How to live without the wars.”

Murphy added the sauce to the drained pasta. “You’re making excuses. It’s not that hard.”

Clarke opened her mouth. Then shut it. Of course. He’d gone through the same thing. Worse, really. Torture from the grounders. The betrayal of their entire camp. Sacrificing the trust of their people. He’d made his way back to them eventually, but the consequences of those early days still stuck with him. Clarke had always used those days to justify leaving him off her various lists. Maybe begrudging forgiveness was the best she could hope for. Maybe it was all she deserved.

So how did she start? How had he started? 

Suddenly, she knew. No weak excuses. No ‘impossible choices’.

“I’m sorry,” she said. Murphy froze, halfway to the little island with a plate full of steaming pasta. “I…I never chose you, or Emori. I placed a lesser value on your lives than others. I sacrificed you to save the many.” She paused, struggling not to offer up another pathetic reason why. It didn’t matter. Maybe it never had. “I know it doesn’t change the things I did, and I understand if, after all that, you’d rather not have anything to do with me. But I am sorry, Murphy. For whatever it’s worth.”

They stared at one another, neither one of them moving. For a moment, she could see him, the man he was underneath the sarcasm, the one Emori loved.

And then he grinned. “Well,” he said, setting the plate down in front of her, “For all the times you hung my ass out to dry, you also saved it, even if it was just by accident. And I guess I can’t really blame you. If it had been me and Emori, I’d have done the exact same thing.”

A small smile of her own broke out across Clarke’s face. She’d never imagined forgiveness from John Murphy would mean so much, but then, a lot had changed. They weren’t the same people they’d been when they’d landed on the ground.

But things were different here on this new world, too. And now, she had something she didn’t have then: hope.


End file.
